As you’ll read more about in a post I scheduled for October, I’ve had a bout of the birthday blues. This turning thirty-nine thing has really hit me hard for some unknown reason. I gritted my teeth through the tiny, only-us birthday party my husband and child had for me, and tried to appear as if I wasn’t having an existential, omg-I’m-old-now crisis.
The night following the birthday party was plagued with uncomfortable, unsettling dreams of insecurity and vulnerability. Dreams that my husband wanted to divorce me because I just wasn’t “worth it” anymore. I woke up feeling sad, anxious, and vulnerable. The feelings plagued me all morning even though, intellectually, I knew they were silly.
Over a surprise lunch–Hub and I just happened to both come home to eat–I told Hub about my feelings about turning thirty-nine and told him about my dream. He laughed and told me that divorce had never entered his mind in all our years together and that he loved me and I wasn’t all that difficult. And then he said, “Oh, by the way, I got you another present but it wasn’t child appropriate so I coudn’t give it to you last night.”
He dashed upstairs to where he’d hidden this clearly sexual-in-nature gift. I had to wonder, “What was it? What could it possibly be?” I considered lingerie and sex toys, but those aren’t really in character for him. What he returned with was 100% in character and absolutely his style of gift…and something that he knew me well enough to know I’d like.
He handed it to me and I stared at it for a moment.
“It’s a porn parody,” he said, just as I read the words she sucks but in a good way.
Then I recognized the girl.
“Oh, my God!” I yelled. “I love Lexi Belle!”
He cracked up and said, “I like her, too.”
I said, “Holy crap, this is awesome! Look at this! This is amazing! Oh my God!”
He laughed some more and I turned it over to look at the back, checking out the very adult scenes back there.
“Oh, wow, that one looks hot. I wish one of the guys was James Deen, but they look good. When are we going to watch this?”
“Soon. When Bird’s not here.”
Buffy the Vampire Slayer was one of our shows and he’s always loved dirty, filthy parodies and anything that’s a bit ridiculous, and he knows me well enough to know that I kinda-sorta like the porn, yo.
I bounced up, grabbed him in a hug, and said, “Oh, man, I love this so much! Thank you!”
He laughed some more and kissed me.
Then I said, “You do realize you just gave me porn for my birthday present and I loved it. How many women are like that? Some women, if you gave them porn for their birthday present, they’d divorce you or something.”
He laughed some more.
I said, “Why would I dream you’d ever leave me? I’m clearly awesome!”